Why speak your mind? 2

One of the quotes I love is "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I used to think what it meant was to “Be true to your core values no matter what others think of you.” That was why the word "feel" always bugged me. I often crossed out "feel" and replaced it with "believe".

Feeling, I thought, was fleeting and unpredictable. Something that brushes or blankets you. You should not trust and act on it. Ignore or control, instead. Belief, on the other hand, was more permanent and deep-rooted. You can rely on it to decide and act upon. It's what you should align yourself to…

I was wrong. It took me a long time, but I now realize it is almost opposite.

Beliefs are basically ideas we subscribe to. They typically come from outside. Are they good for us? Depends. Some have motives to undermine our wellbeing. Or they may be used to undermine us by someone else. We need to choose what we believe carefully.

Feelings are signals. Something deep inside us, mostly what we were born with, perceives our particular situation and moves us or sends us signals to take actions. What sends us signals deeply cares about us. So, which should we trust more?

I was in a relationship I could not speak my feelings for decades. My attempts to say them honestly to understand and be understood were constantly denied or twisted around. How I was feeling was diminished or ill-interpreted and projected back to me as something I could not comprehend. It was confusing to say the least. Self doubts and second-guessing creeped in. Damages from this long term toxic relationship gradually eroded my confidence and weakened my power over myself.

It is complicated, but now I see a series of mistakes I made in this relationship. One of them was not valuing my feelings enough and letting myself emotionally isolated. I did not speak out what was happening and how I was feeling to the people around me. The only person I was speaking out to was the person I was having issues. Exactly the wrong person in my case. I thought getting others involved was not moral thing to do because it was my personal problem I was responsible for. If I had valued and trusted my feelings over some moral beliefs, I would have been speaking out to more people instead of trying to endure abuses with sheer effort. Talking to many more would have helped me to see the situation objectively and clearly. Some could have given pointers what to do to solve problems earlier.

Now I know better. I am re-learning to receive feeling signals with fewer nasty filters and manipulated translations. Speaking out is helping to articulate what I am feelings. It may be a long way to go, but I will keep working. Because those are the signals I should pay attention to, understand what it wants to tell me clearly, so I can take necessary actions.