A matted stray pup...a year later

This girl came to live with me a year ago. She just had her annual and shots, and was declared in excellent health. Vet and aides praised how well behaved she was. 

She can go off-leash, in a big field when no one around; I don’t need to worry about her running away anymore. She watches the house for me when I leave, and makes no mess; I no longer need to put her in her crate. It took a while to get to this. But, she has good temperaments, so that wasn't hard.

There is this one concern. She does not eat foods. She inhales them, literally. And, she seems always on the hunt for food on walks, and puts almost anything into her mouth. Did she grow up deprived of foods? I don’t know. I have not been able to change this and decide to let go. I'd better monitor how much she eats though. She has gained 12% weight since she came. That’s a bit much.

Living in this pandemic isolation, I feel lucky that she’s with me. I still LOVE German Shepherds; they are my kind of dog, and that likely won’t change. But, deciding to adopt this mini poodle mix last year turned out to be good. Like my daughter quipped, “That’s a sensible choice, Mom!.”

Twelve short paragraphs

There are twelve short paragraphs I recite every morning. I do this while doing a plank at the end of my stretching session. They are the things I need to and want to work on. Some are what I aspire to. So, one can call these my affirmation. Every weekend, I go over these with my calendar, review how I did, and write down.

I’ve been doing this for more than two years. I don’t remember what I had on the first version because I have been editing and updating as I had overcome or attained (enough). Some of them ceased to align with me. I revised most entirely on the new year's day this year. A few months ago, I changed the wordings, thus nuance, of the last three. The previous version had not been sitting well with me and I had been somewhat forcing myself to say them. Now, they feel right (to my current self).

This simple daily and weekly practice has been helping me tremendously. Maybe because I had been in such a horrible state two and a half years ago (and the thirty preceding that.) Starting at the bottom has so much upside...haha. Well, I had been unbelievably lucky in the early part of my life, and thinking about what I had received, overall, I have been pretty lucky.

Looking at these twelve and rereading aloud as I write now, I feel I am good with eleven of them. I have not mastered yet and still need to and want to work. But, at least, I don’t feel I am an impostor when I say these. The last sentence of the last paragraph, however, is still tough to say - I am fulfilling my highest possible potential.

“Doing the best I could” and “fulfilling my highest possible potential” might be similar, yet, I don’t feel that they are the same. The part of me who has learned to “treat myself like someone I am responsible for helping” and “not to tyrannize myself”, kind feel they are similar enough. I don’t know yet. I might be working on and thinking about this for a while.

Wabi-sabi confusion

Wabi-sabi has been one of the things difficult to explain. I can tell if something has wabi-sabi feel when I see it. Maybe because I grew up in Japan surrounded by them. Or because I love modern interpretation of its style, like Zen influenced California modern.

But, I probably don’t know what it is because I can’t articulate that to my own children. Hell, I can't even do that to myself. It is far more than its words mean. And we value it even though we really don’t understand it. Wired. 

I was reading up on the history of cha-shitsu (茶室), tea-ceremony building, recently. That had not helped me to solve the puzzle yet. However, I felt like I might be getting at why it was so confusing. That was not much, yet, it could be a good place to start.

I’m now reading Tao Te Ching. It might help me to see whether my hypothesis, if I can call that, is totally out of whack or I might be onto something.

Down the rabbit hole.

Ocean and babies. What do I really miss?

So, my baby (the youngest) posted a short video clip of a beach with the Pacific Ocean waves.

That brought back some memories from almost thirty years ago. I had a real newborn baby back then, my oldest.

I used to take him to Palisades Park in Santa Monica and pushed the stroller up and down along the beach. Another favorite place we frequented was the original Getty Museum; now called the Getty Villa. At night, I played "Pachelbel Canon D Major Ocean Sounds" on cassette tape to help us sleep.

Do I miss the ocean? Yes. I grew up near one. It intensifies, because one just can not hop on a plane and go now. I should be grateful, and I am, that I can just go to a nice swimming pool and swim. But, it's not the same.

Do I miss my children? Definitely and sometimes terribly. None live nearby. (My daughter lives the closest. Still, five hours drive away.) Okay, I am the one who has been telling them to go and explore the world on their own. And, that's what they are doing. So, I am honestly happy for them. I am also grateful that they grew up to be wonderful adults and that we have great relationships. We text, video chats, and all that. But again, it's not the same. I miss hugging them.

I know I am okay. I have things to do and am doing them as usual. I just miss real and good human connections, face to face kinds. Like billions of others, I'm sure. Until this pandemic becomes more manageable, I need to stick to virtual means. Not the same, but better than no contact.

Renzo was a cutie. He was also very alert. This is him at only a couple weeks old. Yes, he was born with that much hair. A nurse in the delivery room told me, "Oh, you are having a cat baby!"

One day, I was sitting on a bench at Palisades Park with Renzo. He was probably three or four months old. A well dressed old gentleman sat next to me. He was watching Renzo for a while, then, asked me if I would consider selling him for a million dollars. I was taken aback and laughed off. Well, he was so cute and had infectious giggles. He was a people magnet. 

He is nearly thirty now. Grown. Up. Okay, I feel much better now. 😌

Andrew Lloyd Webber musical masterpieces for free (48 hours)

I just L-O-V-E musicals. Yes, I love all kinds of performances. But, musicals...they make my heart leap.

I am so grateful Andrew Lloyd Webber is letting us enjoy his masterpieces for free. This is the next best thing to attending the live version. And, there are no live ones now anyway.

Only for 48 hours for each piece, so don’t miss. (24 hours for my friends in UK!)

Last week, the first piece was “Jesus Christ SuperStar”. I have watched it in person a long time ago. I did not dislike the show, but it did not speak to me much back then. This time, even on screen - maybe because their performances and productions were jaw dropping good, and maybe because I have learned so much about the depth of human minds and behaviors since - it shook me.

I now have something I can look forward to each weekend. Hope you can enjoy it as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nINQjT7Zr9w

Treating myself - taking a breath

Feeling a bit blue, I decided to treat myself with a nice breakfast.

My initial realization this COVID-19 was a real threat came when I heard Austin’s SXSW was canceled in early March, so it’s been well over a month. Quarantine and social isolation fatigue are setting in, I’d bet.

I know this shall pass. I know we will be okay. I know I will be okay as long as I stay healthy and do not become a statistic.

I’ve overcome plenty of hell in the last 30+ years. So, this is nothing.

I just need to be mindful, careful, and wise. I just need to keep working on what I need to take care of now, prepare for the better future, and treat myself from time to time to feel blessed I am able to breathe on this beautiful earth.

My refrigerator was in trouble. So, what to do?

My refrigerator was in trouble. So, what to do?

“shelter in place” + “avoid people coming into my house” = “DIY 
repair”

If it was in normal time, I would have bought a new one. My fridge is 21 years old. It had a major repair 10 years ago. Water supply to it was cut and capped two years ago - so, no chilled water, no ice at the door. Its freezer has suffered ice-dam a few times before, and a new ice sheet was building up at the bottom. Renzo offered to fix it, but the freezer was full of food at that time.

If I was to buy a new one, people need to deliver it, set it up in my kitchen and remove the existing one. I did not want to take that kind of risk just yet. So, as my freezer mostly emptied out I decided to tackle it.

Thanks to YouTube, figuring out the problem (frozen drain) wasn’t difficult. The toughest part was trying to get to the back of the fridge to clean and make sure the drain was clear. My fridge is surrounded by three walls, snug, and fronted by a large kitchen island. Even with my petite frame, it was tight. I felt like being that Asian acrobat guy in Ocean’s Eleven.

Well, anyway, it is fixed. Well, at least it seems working now. There is this hack I saw, placing a copper wire from the heating element to the drain hole in the freezer, which I wanted to try to prevent future freezing. I looked around my garage and there was no copper wire. And again, I did not want to risk going to HomeDepot just to get a few inches of wire. So, I removed the plastic covering from electrical wire, twisted it together, and used it.

Hope this works. Time will tell. Or someone with this kind of knowledge can tell me what I did was stupid and I should have used something else. But, sometimes, you just have to do with what you have at hand. Trying to learn a tiny bit from those NASA engineers in the Apollo 13 movie. 😁

What am I doing while under Coronavirus lock down?

I was supposed to be in Austin for a conference and my son (the oldest) was supposed to be flying to Peru today. Well, we are both in Plano. All my in-person schedules have been canceled like many of yours. My son's situation is a bit harsher. He moved out of Colorado a month and a half ago and has been staying with me before going to Peru for three months. Peru closed its border a day before, and his plan evaporated. Obviously, he was not happy. But, it could have been worse. If his plan was to leave a few days earlier, he could have been stuck at the airport or in Peru during this chaos. Everything is relative, so I am not complaining.

Don’t I worry about the Coronavirus? Yes, to some degree. I don’t think my bronchi and lungs are that tough. I tend to get bronchitis easily. Although swimming in recent years should have strengthened my pipes and I haven’t suffered one for quite some time, it’s best not to get this virus into my system, at least until things get more stabilized.

Fortunately, I keep my house reasonably stocked with basic necessities, so no rush-buy needed. And there is enough work I can do from home, thanks to the technologies. Last few days, we were under lockdown and it's been pouring. So, what did I do other than working? Filed income tax and franchise tax, made a plan for asset allocation revisions, had my car inspected and registered. Just taking care of things I need to and can. So, when new opportunities show up, I am better prepared to go after them swiftly. 

Being mindful and careful enough so I can stay healthy, active and productive seems to be the best thing I can do now. If I feel up to it, I might even paint another large canvas this weekend. I had fun painting one last month. It added nice colors to my neutral living room wall.

Hope you are staying healthy and active!

Time to let go of my childhood dream...fondly. 1

When I was in elementary school, I decided, someday I would move to Australia.

I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to go to many different places. Why Australia grabbed me the most among all? I don't really know. A sense of adventure, maybe? I went through books at the libraries and bookstores trying to learn whatever I could find about other countries. There was not much available about Australia back when I was growing up in a small town in southern Japan. Australia seemed so distant, kind of unknown, and definitely different from the life I knew.

Another thing is that I suffered severe frostbite every winter. I remember thinking if I lived half a year in Japan and another half in Australia, I could avoid winter.

Then I read Maugham’s The Moon and Sixpence. A tropical island in the southern Pacific somehow mixed with Australia’s exotic animals and plants, beautiful beaches, and expanse of red dirt. Funny how a child’s mind worked. The excitement I felt from the book sealed my desire to go to Australia. (The story is actually a tragedy. I did not get that until I re-read it many years later.)

In middle school, we started to learn English. I went to bookstores and found guidebooks for making foreign pen-pals. I found several pen pals and started writing: a girl in Brisbane, a girl in Quebec (whom I'm still in touch with), a boy from Copenhagen, Bhutan, Milwaukee...etc.

Michelle, the girl in Brisbane, often sent me cutouts from magazines and talked about pop singers she loved. She made and sent me a few cassette tapes filled with her favorite pop songs. (One of them was ABBA's Dancing Queen. I didn't know they were Swedish until several years later.)


I moved to a bigger city to attend a girl's high school, and lived in an on-campus dorm supervised by
Catholic nuns. I was expected to move on to it’s Jr. college, work a few years and marry.

Halfway through HS, I suddenly decided I wanted to go to a four-year university. I respected my parents. I also knew my decision would not fly with them. Apart from that, my HS was not equipped to help students prepare for rigorous college entrance exams.

I started to study for the national exam like mad relying on guidebooks and radio programs. I was able to convince my teachers to let me switch my class/curriculum middle of the school year. My new homeroom teacher helped me persuade my parents to let me sit for the exam. They finally agreed with conditions. I could only apply for a national university; have to stay in Kagoshima; no 2nd or 3rd options allowed (if I fail to get in, I had to get a job - Jr. college option was gone.) Basically, I had to pass the exam to get into Kagoshima University. There were no other options. I got in. I was the only one from my HS.

"The Topic of Truth" podcast

When I hear someone articulate what I have known deep down for a long time - yet I have not able to state it clearly even in my mind, let alone explain it to others - I feel awed.

I feel like...all of a sudden, the fog cleared. I can see my surroundings. I can see far out, and realize the direction I was heading was right. With a sigh of relief, I start walking with more conviction...

I come across those moments the most frequently while listening to Jordan B Peterson in his podcasts. Maybe because he has been thinking about the meaning of life, the truth, deeply and intently for a long time. And then, he can (at least he tries really hard to) articulate it with great details in many different ways. 

I have been a curious person since childhood. I explored, stumbled along and kept going. Ultimately, I was, and still is, seeking the truth. With life experiences, my senses are getting better in feeling the truth. But, understanding why I feel the way I feel has been rather foggy. By listening to JBP's podcasts, I am getting those whys.


S2 E32: The Topic of Truth
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/s2-e32-the-topic-of-truth/


Some of the recent podcasts, the recordings from when he talked during the fall of 2018, speak to me even more clearly than others.

S2 E28: Responsibility is the Key to Meaning
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/responsibility-is-the-key-to-meaning/

S2 E25: Be precise in your speech
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/s2-e25-be-precise-in-your-speech/

And, more.

Trip to Japan to reconnect my families and friends

I took a trip back to Japan to reconnect with my family. The family I thought I had lost when I had decided to marry my ex ... over thirty years ago.

Just like I've been finding myself back, I feel I have found my Japanese families back. I felt humbled though; I did not expect them to be so welcoming. I was able to spend time with all of my brothers I love, their wives, and their children (except my oldest's.) My favorite cousin and her sisters came to meet up, and that was fun. I have no sister, so my sisters-in-law and cousins mean a lot to me.

Kaimon-Dake, Satsuma Fuji, was as beautiful as it used to be. Sakura-Jima was looking perfect when I went up to Shiroyama while waiting for my HS friend to arrive from Tokyo. I felt grounded looking at these mountains. They remind me of my roots.

And the friends I cherish...

Thank you Chaki-chan for meeting up with me at KanKu Airport while taking care of emergency issues!!! Sorry that I missed you on the way out on the 15th!

Akko-san, a friend from HS and ever since. She has been there for me all these hard years. I can never thank her enough. I still have a lot to learn from her.

Hanamure, my HS buddy. One day, we went to see "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". We were up on the dorm roof that night and were sending hand signals to the aliens. We were those kinds of girls. Ha!

Masako-san, a neighbor during my Kichijo-Ji era, and a friend since. She is super compassionate like no other! She is also a professional level cook. I have no idea how she can whip these feasts up in less than ten minutes.

And the cherished friend I don't have a photo with. I truly enjoyed the time together.

Last but not least, thank you Meriam, sending welcome back flowers. I felt welcomed into my own home in Plano. That was priceless.

I felt alone for a long time - just me and my three children. Now, I feel I have ten thousand people stand behind me and another thousand beside me.

"Treat Yourself Like Someone You Are Responsible Helping"

Early last year, when I was frantically trying to find my way out of the abyss I was in, I came across Jordan B Peterson’s podcasts. I was skeptical. But, I did not hear my inner BS buzzer go off that often while listening to him talk. Decided to give it a cautious try, I kept listening, knowing I can stop immediately when I feel being manipulated.


Since then, I have listened to all of his podcasts, watched some of his lectures on Youtube and read/listened to his books. Later part of the last year, I worked on Self Authoring Program. My Christmas presents to three children last year were the accesses to their own Self Authoring Program. By the way, I spent merely $50 in total for all of that. I don’t agree with everything he says, but I have relearned a lot.


Among all the things he talks about - specifically among the rules he explains - I feel I need to understand this one the most. He does not talk about this rule often. Maybe because the majority of his audiences are young men (I am not), and other topics are more compelling for them than this one.


Treat Yourself Like Someone You Are Responsible Helping
 - link to his talk about the topic in Edmonton, Canada


Anyway, this is the most important one for me at this time. (The other one I am working on is Be precise in your speech.) After 30 years of abusive marriage and barely coming out alive, I need to relearn why I should care and value myself.


I’ve been practicing this for almost a year. I have been regaining who I am. I feel much stronger. I will continue practicing to stay strong.


By the way, I have been stressing the importance of getting the information from the source as much as possible. For Jordan Peterson, that is crucial. There is so much noise on the internet about him interpreted and created by others. I would not waste my time/energy to that. His own podcasts and lectures on Youtube are readily available on the internet and are free to access.

New pup in my life!

We know nothing about Pia's history other than she was found at a parking lot somewhere all matted and flea-ridden. Luckily, she was comfortable with me from the get-go. No drama.

So far she has learned not to jump onto my bed and my leather couch. (It took a week!) She also learned how to fetch a ball. (She had no idea how to play with a tennis ball. I was like, what?) She was already house-trained, so at least I don't need to worry about that.

I am now teaching her not to gobble up all her foods in five seconds. Once that's done, I will try to teach her not to jump on people without getting permission first. We will see how that goes. One at a time...

Why speak your mind? 3 - Dr. Ford and Judge Kavanaugh Testimony

We may have a newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice later today.

It's an important position that would undoubtedly affect our country's future direction in many ways.

Getting information directly or as close to the source as possible with the least amount of manipulation/filter is important to me, especially for things with this magnitude of importance. So, I watched the FULL testimony by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZ7ovA37u-0

I watched and paid attention to what and how they said.

I believe Dr. Ford was speaking her truth. As much as she could remember for the trauma she experienced as a teenager, that she tried to bury, forget, and move on. She answered the questions as straight as possible. It must have required incredible courage to dig that up, open it to the public to warn us what kind of person we were going to choose as one of our nation's top justices. She was emotional, but I felt the sense of calm strength coming from someone speaking her truth.

Judge Kavanaugh, on the other hand, whined and blamed like two years old. He played the victim. He did not answer questions, instead, he attacked or questioned the questioners, often with sneer. It reminded me immature teenager, far from the distinguished judge he tried to claim who he was.

I am sure I am biased to some degree just like everybody else. But, this is how I felt. And, even someone who knew, worked with, liked, and respected Judge Kavanaugh felt the same way watching the testimony. This person spoke out his opinion knowing career risks. That is admirable.

I Know Brett Kavanaugh, but I Wouldn’t Confirm Him. "This is an article I never imagined myself writing, that I never wanted to write, that I wish I could not write."

No matter how the confirmation result would be, Dr. Ford's testimony gave us the courage to speak out...speak the truth. I suspect, despite all the turmoils she has experienced since her story was out, now she may very well feel relieved knowing she did all she could to stay true to her conscience. 

After 30 years of not being able to speak the truth about my relationship, I'm taking small steps to restart speaking my mind. I feel I'm getting stronger and lighter, slowly but surely. My relationship with others is getting stronger as well. Speaking the truth and trying to understand each other is the first step toward long term relationships with trust and respect. If more and more people do this, how much better our lives can be?


Update: Judge Kavanaugh has been confirmed by the senate. Let's...At least, I will keep my eye open, speak my truth, and stay strong. Hope you do, too.

Iceland Trip 1

I love living in Plano, Texas. But summer here can be hash. Even though I prefer hot to cold, Texas heat can be unbearable at times. To counter, I used to take my children to Colorado Rockies during summer. Hiking and camping in crisp cool air was great break from the heat. 

For this year, I decided to try a new place for my summer escape, Iceland. It was one of the places I wanted to visit someday. So when I saw a super attractive fare for RT direct flights from/to DFW by AA, I jumped on it. 

I used to avoid tours. I enjoyed exploring on my feet, figuring out places, using local transportations, eating at local eateries (even in pre-internet era) and experiencing occasional mishaps turned adventures along the way. I was, and still is, pretty good at these sort of things. 

Nowadays though I don't enjoy exploring trips as much as I used to. Visiting friends and going places with friends entice me more. Neither was available for this Iceland trip, so, I decided to use local tours and was glad to find out there were abundant choices. I was able to go many places without much hassle, enjoy sceneries, and learn some interesting facts from guides. 

The most memorable ones are:
1. Landmannalaugar hike
2. Snæfellsnes Peninsula and western coast
3. South coasts
4. Golden Circle
5. Whale Watch and Blue Lagoon
6. Walking around Reykjavik

Before going into any of these places I've visited, here are things I've learned about Iceland from locals and guides.

Not that many people
- The size of Iceland is roughly equal to the size of Ireland and Northern Ireland put together. (which is about 2.5 times bigger than Switzerland.)
- Population of Iceland is 338K. 2/3 of them, 223K, live in Greater Reykjavik. (Population of Plano, which is just a suburb of Dallas, is 286K.) There's not many Icelanders...
- Iceland has basically two industries. Tourism overtook the top spot from fishery in recent years.
- Currently one in five people are tourists...wow.
- Icelander's heritage basically comes from that of Viking (Norse) and Irish (Celtic).
- Icelandic language is close to the original Norse language Vikings used. Theirs have not changed much while other Scandinavian languages have evolved and simplified over the years.
- Icelandic language are difficult to learn, let alone pronounce correctly. Thus they don't expect you to speak it. They start learning English in first grade. Average Icelander speaks 3 to 5 languages.

Pretty safe
- Icelanders boast their safety. Locals credit this to "everybody knows everybody" small society.
- Murder is average 2 per year. Prison population is 35 or something. New prison is being built through. Most violent crimes are domestic nature.
- Iceland has no military. It pays 2% of GDP to NATO. It has coast guard, which consists of two ships and one airplane.
- Women typically feel safe to walk around alone at night. Per locals, there is no unsafe areas to walk around in Reykjavik.

Everybody is middle class
- Only first name is used to call or address someone.
- No class or formality used to address someone. No title used, not even "Dr." Just first name.
- Icelander use no family name. Last name is "son/daughter of first name of father". If father is not in the picture, "son/daughter of first name of mother"
- Healthcare and all education are free, including college and graduate school. There are thirteen colleges in Iceland throughout the nation.
- People are highly educated and unemployment rate is low, like 2%.

Rapid change in economy
- Until 100 years ago, Iceland was the poorest country (in Europe?). They only had some barely surviving farmers, nothing to export or make money.
- When a fish processing factory opened in Reykjavik, some started to make money.

- In recent years, with flourishing tourism, it became the second richest country in Europe per capita after switzerland.
- Iceland has three sheeps per every citizen, but they do not export mutton or wool items. (not cost competitive)
- Icelandic horses are direct descent from horses Vikings brought. They are small in size, but don't call them "pony". Icelanders are proud of their horses and very protective of them. They export some out of the country, but once out they can not come back in.

Mild climate
- Weather is unpredictable and changes constantly. Weather forecast in two days in advance is useless.
- Locals use Norwegian based app called "YR" for forecast. (I downloaded. Pretty handy.)
- Fairly warm considering the latitude, thanks to the Gulf Stream. Seasonal and daily high/low difference is small.
- Layering clothing are must, but heavy winter coat is not needed in summer months.
- In Reykjavik, average summer high is 14 celsius low is 8. Average winter high is 2.5 and low is -2.5. Not that much snow falls, either.

Volcanos, magmas, and geothermal energy
- Iceland is part of the Mid Atlantic Ridge, where Eurasian and North American plates separate (in North Atlantic) and the only substantial portion of the Ridge above the sea. The Ridge separates roughly 1 inch per year.
- Magmas are relatively close to the surface in Iceland. This makes easier to use geothermal to warm water and generate electricity.
- Iceland has numerous waterfalls. Some contributes to tourism, others for hydropower generation.
- Energy from hydro and geothermal covers all electricity needs in Iceland.
- Everything is pretty expensive in Iceland except electricity, hot water and trash/recycle, which runs average US$100 per month per household.
- Because power is cheap (and are renewable) and winter is dark, Reykjavik lights up like Christmas (Las Vegas) between October to the end of April.

Why speak your mind? 2

One of the quotes I love is "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I used to think what it meant was to “Be true to your core values no matter what others think of you.” That was why the word "feel" always bugged me. I often crossed out "feel" and replaced it with "believe".

Feeling, I thought, was fleeting and unpredictable. Something that brushes or blankets you. You should not trust and act on it. Ignore or control, instead. Belief, on the other hand, was more permanent and deep-rooted. You can rely on it to decide and act upon. It's what you should align yourself to…

I was wrong. It took me a long time, but I now realize it is almost opposite.

Beliefs are basically ideas we subscribe to. They typically come from outside. Are they good for us? Depends. Some have motives to undermine our wellbeing. Or they may be used to undermine us by someone else. We need to choose what we believe carefully.

Feelings are signals. Something deep inside us, mostly what we were born with, perceives our particular situation and moves us or sends us signals to take actions. What sends us signals deeply cares about us. So, which should we trust more?

I was in a relationship I could not speak my feelings for decades. My attempts to say them honestly to understand and be understood were constantly denied or twisted around. How I was feeling was diminished or ill-interpreted and projected back to me as something I could not comprehend. It was confusing to say the least. Self doubts and second-guessing creeped in. Damages from this long term toxic relationship gradually eroded my confidence and weakened my power over myself.

It is complicated, but now I see a series of mistakes I made in this relationship. One of them was not valuing my feelings enough and letting myself emotionally isolated. I did not speak out what was happening and how I was feeling to the people around me. The only person I was speaking out to was the person I was having issues. Exactly the wrong person in my case. I thought getting others involved was not moral thing to do because it was my personal problem I was responsible for. If I had valued and trusted my feelings over some moral beliefs, I would have been speaking out to more people instead of trying to endure abuses with sheer effort. Talking to many more would have helped me to see the situation objectively and clearly. Some could have given pointers what to do to solve problems earlier.

Now I know better. I am re-learning to receive feeling signals with fewer nasty filters and manipulated translations. Speaking out is helping to articulate what I am feelings. It may be a long way to go, but I will keep working. Because those are the signals I should pay attention to, understand what it wants to tell me clearly, so I can take necessary actions.