Holding onto it or saying goodbye?

I've been using this ball cap last fifteen years or so. It's the only one I have. I've been taking it everywhere from my daily walks to my latest trip to Australia.

It's still perfectly functional and clean. A little bit of fraying showed up after yesterday's wash. I know what I am going to do... just mend it with a needle and thread.

I tend to keep things for a long time. When we entered our elementary school, we all received a plastic pencil case, a blue one for a boy and a pink one for a girl (typical!). A cheap semi-translucent plastic, which would break easily if you step on it accidentally. I used it every day and took good care of it. I graduated from elementary school with it, still in good working condition.

Believing in sustainability, this should be a good trait to have. But, is it really?

I have learned, sometimes, it's better to say goodbye a lot sooner. Especially, when holding onto it prolonged your suffering.

Now I know if something is good (for me, my life, my future, my family, friends and everything I care about), I'd keep it. If not, I'd say goodbye. So, I can move forward and find something better.

I'd keep this ball cap for a while, though.

Time to let go of my childhood dream...fondly. 2

I joined the Overseas Study Club soon after I enrolled at my university. We spent our first summer break in eastern Hokkaido. (It felt like a foreign country to a girl from Kagoshima.) We traveled to S. Korea during the following spring break. (The first time I got my passport.) When we were having a great time at a tourist site, a group of young Korean guys walked up to us and started telling us what the Japanese did during WWII. It felt like a bucket of ice water dumped on me. Because I knew nothing about it, I did not know what they were saying was true or not. Realizing how ignorant I was about Japan, I spent the following summer break in Kyoto and Nara, walking around everywhere visiting many shrines, temples, gardens, paths, and historical sites. I tried to take in art, culture, history and everything else.

My anthropology professor asked me to assist a researcher do her fieldwork around Kagoshima. She was an Italian American at Oxford U, doing her research at Tokyo University. So, I spent my third summer break with her visiting all over Kagoshima, some well known but mostly remote places I had never been to. Her research was about people’s perception of spirit after death; we met and interviewed many locals, mostly old, including monks and priests. We also visited my hometown and stayed at my parents’ house. Before we left, my very proud Japanese father took me aside and told me he approved of her even though she was not Japanese.


I ended up taking all the necessary credits to graduate in three years. (Back then, universities in Japan were hard to get in, but easy to graduate.) I also did various part-time jobs to supplement my living expenses, fund my travelings, and save for my eventual trip to Australia. By then, I had saved up enough chunk to let me go. The problem was that I have not found any reasonable resources or reasons to convince my father to let me. Australia was still a faraway land.


My high school and its Jr. college where my father wanted me to attend were near my university. The Jr. college had three English teachers from the U.S. They were my friends. They encouraged me to go to America instead. My economic geography professor, who was in charge of my degree, was supportive as well. So, in my senior year, I spent six months traveling around many parts of the U.S. and Canada, met up with many people, and did some research along the way. I went back to Kagoshima, wrote my thesis and graduated in four years.

I worked at a small company that operated homestay and exchange student programs. It located yet walking distance to my university. One day, I came across information via my university club mate about a British based youth adventure program. I applied and went through multiple selection processes. To my surprise, I was selected to participate in this all-expense-paid project in, none other than, Australia.


Finally, I was in my dreamland. Three months in Kakadu National Park and Bathurst Island in the Northern Territory, exploring Aborigineese wall paintings, laying freshwater pipelines and building small rock pool for Aborigineese children...I was in heaven. We worked hard to our physical limit almost every day, shared incredible moments in harsh natural conditions, slept under the sky full of bright southern stars, in a mosquito net, on a cot, in outback bushland. We developed life long friendships.


After the project, I traveled around Australia for a month, then went back to Japan, determined to be back to Downunder with a proper job and a visa. I did not go back to Kagoshima. Instead, I stayed in Tokyo and looked for a job. When I saw a wanted ad by Qantas Tokyo office, I felt something was helping me. I got my dream job. I was blessed with a wonderful boss and a super nice big boss. Most of my colleagues were at least two decades older than me, and I learned a lot very quickly. I loved my job. I loved the Qantas culture. I was working my way to eventually move to Australia with my job.


Then, life happened.

Time to let go of my childhood dream...fondly. 1

When I was in elementary school, I decided, someday I would move to Australia.

I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to go to many different places. Why Australia grabbed me the most among all? I don't really know. A sense of adventure, maybe? I went through books at the libraries and bookstores trying to learn whatever I could find about other countries. There was not much available about Australia back when I was growing up in a small town in southern Japan. Australia seemed so distant, kind of unknown, and definitely different from the life I knew.

Another thing is that I suffered severe frostbite every winter. I remember thinking if I lived half a year in Japan and another half in Australia, I could avoid winter.

Then I read Maugham’s The Moon and Sixpence. A tropical island in the southern Pacific somehow mixed with Australia’s exotic animals and plants, beautiful beaches, and expanse of red dirt. Funny how a child’s mind worked. The excitement I felt from the book sealed my desire to go to Australia. (The story is actually a tragedy. I did not get that until I re-read it many years later.)

In middle school, we started to learn English. I went to bookstores and found guidebooks for making foreign pen-pals. I found several pen pals and started writing: a girl in Brisbane, a girl in Quebec (whom I'm still in touch with), a boy from Copenhagen, Bhutan, Milwaukee...etc.

Michelle, the girl in Brisbane, often sent me cutouts from magazines and talked about pop singers she loved. She made and sent me a few cassette tapes filled with her favorite pop songs. (One of them was ABBA's Dancing Queen. I didn't know they were Swedish until several years later.)


I moved to a bigger city to attend a girl's high school, and lived in an on-campus dorm supervised by
Catholic nuns. I was expected to move on to it’s Jr. college, work a few years and marry.

Halfway through HS, I suddenly decided I wanted to go to a four-year university. I respected my parents. I also knew my decision would not fly with them. Apart from that, my HS was not equipped to help students prepare for rigorous college entrance exams.

I started to study for the national exam like mad relying on guidebooks and radio programs. I was able to convince my teachers to let me switch my class/curriculum middle of the school year. My new homeroom teacher helped me persuade my parents to let me sit for the exam. They finally agreed with conditions. I could only apply for a national university; have to stay in Kagoshima; no 2nd or 3rd options allowed (if I fail to get in, I had to get a job - Jr. college option was gone.) Basically, I had to pass the exam to get into Kagoshima University. There were no other options. I got in. I was the only one from my HS.

"The Topic of Truth" podcast

When I hear someone articulate what I have known deep down for a long time - yet I have not able to state it clearly even in my mind, let alone explain it to others - I feel awed.

I feel like...all of a sudden, the fog cleared. I can see my surroundings. I can see far out, and realize the direction I was heading was right. With a sigh of relief, I start walking with more conviction...

I come across those moments the most frequently while listening to Jordan B Peterson in his podcasts. Maybe because he has been thinking about the meaning of life, the truth, deeply and intently for a long time. And then, he can (at least he tries really hard to) articulate it with great details in many different ways. 

I have been a curious person since childhood. I explored, stumbled along and kept going. Ultimately, I was, and still is, seeking the truth. With life experiences, my senses are getting better in feeling the truth. But, understanding why I feel the way I feel has been rather foggy. By listening to JBP's podcasts, I am getting those whys.


S2 E32: The Topic of Truth
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/s2-e32-the-topic-of-truth/


Some of the recent podcasts, the recordings from when he talked during the fall of 2018, speak to me even more clearly than others.

S2 E28: Responsibility is the Key to Meaning
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/responsibility-is-the-key-to-meaning/

S2 E25: Be precise in your speech
https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/podcast/s2-e25-be-precise-in-your-speech/

And, more.

Trip to Japan to reconnect my families and friends

I took a trip back to Japan to reconnect with my family. The family I thought I had lost when I had decided to marry my ex ... over thirty years ago.

Just like I've been finding myself back, I feel I have found my Japanese families back. I felt humbled though; I did not expect them to be so welcoming. I was able to spend time with all of my brothers I love, their wives, and their children (except my oldest's.) My favorite cousin and her sisters came to meet up, and that was fun. I have no sister, so my sisters-in-law and cousins mean a lot to me.

Kaimon-Dake, Satsuma Fuji, was as beautiful as it used to be. Sakura-Jima was looking perfect when I went up to Shiroyama while waiting for my HS friend to arrive from Tokyo. I felt grounded looking at these mountains. They remind me of my roots.

And the friends I cherish...

Thank you Chaki-chan for meeting up with me at KanKu Airport while taking care of emergency issues!!! Sorry that I missed you on the way out on the 15th!

Akko-san, a friend from HS and ever since. She has been there for me all these hard years. I can never thank her enough. I still have a lot to learn from her.

Hanamure, my HS buddy. One day, we went to see "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". We were up on the dorm roof that night and were sending hand signals to the aliens. We were those kinds of girls. Ha!

Masako-san, a neighbor during my Kichijo-Ji era, and a friend since. She is super compassionate like no other! She is also a professional level cook. I have no idea how she can whip these feasts up in less than ten minutes.

And the cherished friend I don't have a photo with. I truly enjoyed the time together.

Last but not least, thank you Meriam, sending welcome back flowers. I felt welcomed into my own home in Plano. That was priceless.

I felt alone for a long time - just me and my three children. Now, I feel I have ten thousand people stand behind me and another thousand beside me.

"Treat Yourself Like Someone You Are Responsible Helping"

Early last year, when I was frantically trying to find my way out of the abyss I was in, I came across Jordan B Peterson’s podcasts. I was skeptical. But, I did not hear my inner BS buzzer go off that often while listening to him talk. Decided to give it a cautious try, I kept listening, knowing I can stop immediately when I feel being manipulated.


Since then, I have listened to all of his podcasts, watched some of his lectures on Youtube and read/listened to his books. Later part of the last year, I worked on Self Authoring Program. My Christmas presents to three children last year were the accesses to their own Self Authoring Program. By the way, I spent merely $50 in total for all of that. I don’t agree with everything he says, but I have relearned a lot.


Among all the things he talks about - specifically among the rules he explains - I feel I need to understand this one the most. He does not talk about this rule often. Maybe because the majority of his audiences are young men (I am not), and other topics are more compelling for them than this one.


Treat Yourself Like Someone You Are Responsible Helping
 - link to his talk about the topic in Edmonton, Canada


Anyway, this is the most important one for me at this time. (The other one I am working on is Be precise in your speech.) After 30 years of abusive marriage and barely coming out alive, I need to relearn why I should care and value myself.


I’ve been practicing this for almost a year. I have been regaining who I am. I feel much stronger. I will continue practicing to stay strong.


By the way, I have been stressing the importance of getting the information from the source as much as possible. For Jordan Peterson, that is crucial. There is so much noise on the internet about him interpreted and created by others. I would not waste my time/energy to that. His own podcasts and lectures on Youtube are readily available on the internet and are free to access.

Diaper dilemma

One of my favorite podcasts is “Energy Gang”. (I also love its sibling podcast “Interchange”.) I’ve learned a lot over the years by listening to these smart people talk about green/clean energy.

They are down to earth and fun to listen to, but because they are super-duper knowledgeable (and not to mention they are prominent figures), I haven’t thought I share similar experiences...until yesterday.

The host, Stephen Lacey, recently became a father. He talked about the dilemma of choosing between cloth diapers and disposable ones. He ended up choosing disposables and asked his co-hosts, Jigar Shah and Katherine Hamilton, about their thoughts and experiences.

Jigar became a father a few years ago (I think) and Katherine is a mother of four. They both went through the same dilemma and decided to stick to disposable. Katherine used the cloth ones for her first baby (now 29) and gave up because the urine smell filled up and seeped through the entire house.

When my oldest (also now 29) was born, I tried the cloth diaper route first. I could not bear the thought of sending mounds and mounds of soiled diapers to landfills. We were in a two-bedroom apartment near the edge of Brentwood off West LA in Southern California. We had a washer and a dryer in the unit, but very quickly, I realized I could not do laundry for those diapers, and switched to cloth diaper delivery service.

However...each time I received a bagful of super white diapers in exchange for smelly and yellowed ones, I wondered if that was the right choice. What and how much chemical they use to make them so white? How much hot water or steam they use?

One day, a call came while I was nursing my baby. It was from my friend in Australia to congratulate for the birth of my first baby. I was happily talking with her until my baby started to poo. It ran over my lap then onto the carpet while I was tied to the lined phone. (There were only landlines back then.) Next day I went out and bought a pack of disposable diapers with side guards and never looked back. I remember reading somewhere that both types of diapers are equally bad to the environment and felt somewhat justified.

So, hearing those three clean energy experts chose disposables made me smile. Jigar and Katherine also talked about raising less materialistic children who are responsible and care. They used hand-me-downs, got stuff from garage sales, frequented to library, let the children play outside...etc. I did all of those as well.

Well, even though I feel I am falling short every day, maybe I did alright. At least how I raised my children were not too far from those people who are leading the green/clean energy revolution.

https://www.greentechmedia.com/podcast/the-energy-gang#gs.wei6r8

https://www.greentechmedia.com/podcast/the-interchange#gs.x21zgh

Collin Creek Mall will be reborn into a Mixed-Use Community

Collin Creek Mall is officially closed and getting ready for an exciting redevelopment (w/ $1B price tag). As I walked through the vast parking lot toward the celebration event, I overheard a lady saying the other, "I feel so sentimental..." Maybe she spent many of her teen days in this mall. As I spent little time there, other than occasional back-to-school cloth shopping for kids while they were in grade school, I don't share that sentiment.

I am actually pretty happy that this huge super underused property (=wasted space) will be reborn into a walkable, mixed-use, and vibrant community that offers a place to live, work and enjoy for many. I'd bet many shares my sentiment. After seeing resident groups fought fiercely against multiple development initiatives in recent years, it's refreshing to see both the city of Plano and residents are FOR this project. It being near my home base adds more excitement. Along I-75 is getting more and more interesting :)

New pup in my life!

We know nothing about Pia's history other than she was found at a parking lot somewhere all matted and flea-ridden. Luckily, she was comfortable with me from the get-go. No drama.

So far she has learned not to jump onto my bed and my leather couch. (It took a week!) She also learned how to fetch a ball. (She had no idea how to play with a tennis ball. I was like, what?) She was already house-trained, so at least I don't need to worry about that.

I am now teaching her not to gobble up all her foods in five seconds. Once that's done, I will try to teach her not to jump on people without getting permission first. We will see how that goes. One at a time...

Thank you, father!

My beloved father, in his mid 30’s. The man of integrity, who named me a child of integrity.

Thank you for raising me well and for loving me so.

I have missed you last twenty-five, but knowing you loved me, and the sense of responsibility to raise my children well (like you did for us) sustained me last thirty. Thank you.

I am proud to be your daughter.

Tesla Model Y is (will be) here.

Tesla Model Y (compact SUV version of Model 3) will be here soon enough.
This is the car I have been waiting for a looong time.
I've been telling everyone that I am going to get a Y with blue exterior and light color interior.
The fact they brought "blue Y" for the reveal event made me happy :)

What made me even happier was hearing that Elon restated two of his (and Tesla's) ultimate goals;
1. Offering a whole package of an electric vehicle, solar roof, and battery storage.
2. Really encouraging other automakers to go fully electric sooner rather than later.

I humbly, and really, realize how little I can contribute to shaping a better and sustainable future. Supporting Tesla's mission is, at least, one thing I can do to help accelerate the advent of sustainable future.